I've jumped.... now what?

I surrounded myself with family and friends all weekend.

During the week, I am keeping myself busy with work.

I am in a funk. I know I am. Normally I would phone Mum.

Mum, who knew what was bothering me before I did. Mum, who would clear the funk just by talking with me on the phone, about nothing special. Who could hit the bullseye of me, without me ever needing to explain.

I am so sad, but it doesn't come out right. I don't cry and then feel better. I fight and hide and run away from it  and then try not to cry and then pretend it didn't happen. If I could call Mum, she would talk about something and the perspective would shift.


I am 35 and I can't clear my own funk. I have never had to. I always knew that if I didn't feel right, If the outside world felt off centre, Mum made it straight again. I don't even know if she knew she did it.

Mum was my litmus test to the world. No idea, no event, no change occurred before it got passed by Mum. I didn't even realise how much I did this.

But NOW I DO. Now I do.

It feels like, for the first time ever, I have jumped without my parachute.