Can I help you?

Recently, I felt like I had let some people down. I'm not going into the nitty gritty, It's not solely my story to tell, however I can tell you how I felt. Guilty, sad and slightly paralyzed. As in, the more I worried, the less I could do.

When I finally got around to thanking the people, the people who did all the things I couldn't, and apologizing. This is what they said:

"You are doing a glorious job, you are doing exactly what you are supposed to do. Right now it wasn't your turn. One day, there will be someone or something. At that time you will be able to help, you will be in the position to do all the things you wished you could have done now. It will not only help them but it will help you. When that chance comes, take it".

Just like that, I went from feeling like a failure and thinking that others thought the same, to feeling loved and happy. One massive act of kindness changed my mindset completely to the point, now, where I am looking forward to having the opportunity to help in the future, whomever and whenever that may be, instead of being weighed down by all of the crap in my head.

This is something I can do. Write about kindness and hope that it inspires some in the world today.

Sometimes a kind word or gesture is you need.

Things I said that I deserved a punch in the head for.... A tribute to Mothers Day

As Mothers Day fast approaches, the following statements were my pearls of wisdom prior to having kids....


I'm never giving my future child junk food. I could make a much better "Happy meal" at home.

I am going to take my baby with me everywhere. I'll strap them onto my chest and we will travel the world. We will be best friends.

I think I could probably home school my kids... they will be geniuses.

My kids won't be "Like That".

Being at home with the baby will be easy, I can study and start a whole new career.

I will make sure my child has started an instrument at 3. Its very good for their future development.

Treat them like adults, take them to fancy restaurants and cultural events and they will learn to behave correctly in these places.

I don't see how there can be that much difference between a cloth nappy and Huggies?

I dont think time out is necessary, surely you can just calm them down and explain?



BWHHAAAHAHAHAA.... aw I crack myself up.....

Reality was a very different thing. I honestly felt like I needed a standing ovation, trophy and a friggen scratch and sniff sticker every time we all left the house not covered in food /snot, with brushed teeth and pants.

There was a time, shortly after birth, alone in the dark pit of the very very early morning... when I realised just what a twat I had been.

If you haven't had kids yet but think you will... Shut up, just shut up and to all the Parents, Here is a trophy and applause!

The silence is deafening

Since you've been gone, we have had 5 bbq's, 2 birthdays, 3 public holidays and a few dinners.
At each one of these events the absence of you is in every pause, every silence.

I can just about hear you over my shoulder talking. Conversation came so naturally to you that there was almost never a lull. Our times together now as friends and family are comparatively quiet.

As a result, I sometimes find it harder to make conversation because I am conscious of you not being there to say your part.

The silence at these moments screams MUM, MUM, MUM, MUM.

Oh God. I am boring myself already

Today is the 1st day of a new eating regime. Day 1, actually 1/2 of day 1 as its only just lunchtime....
So far my inner dialogue has gone something like this...

Yeah, I can do this, I'm gonna follow this diet and i'm going to be healthy and slim and feel great... WOO

Is that sausage roll I can smell?

If I squint, really hard, these blueberries look a little like chocolate covered raisins.

Why can't coffee be negative calories? Its not a food as such, its my life sustaining battery charger...

"Yay" (sarcasm dripping from each letter).... spinach...

FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD... I'm sorry were you talking to me?

What should I blog about.... I know!.... Food

If I don't eat anything else for the rest of the day, I can have a glass of wine when I get home.

This Chamomile tea tastes like mouse pee

How can fruit salad be so unsatisfying?

I am still NOT eating kale... just no


If I stand at this exact spot at the counter at work, I can see Krispy Kreme donuts (because my brain is an asshole)

So, as you can see, I will be back in my size 12 jeans shortly.... ahem.

Getting to Know My Dad Again

I have always had my Dad.

My Dad is patient, kind, intelligent and a bit of an Olde World gentleman.

For many years, Mum and I spent a lot of time together. Having fun, raising children, eating, talking, shopping, with Dad in the background. Dad was a steady constant always the supporting act to the colourful, if not crazy, ride that was Mum.

Dad is now very much in the foreground. The texts and conversations that once would have been with Mum, are now with Dad. The many days of babysitting per week and random requests from me for a new mop head, tin of tomatoes and more wool for the blanket, all fall to him now. I don't think we have ever communicated as often as we do now.

Dad has even taken over Mums' role of "Avon Lady" in the retirement village where they live.  A lot of Dads days were spent in caring for Mum, "preserving" her energy for the next adventure she chose to embark on.

Today we met for coffee, went shopping and had lunch together. I think, a first for both of us, alone.

It is a very good kind of different. Next time we will get better sushi though, hey Dad?

Girls Can Be So Mean!

I have been home for 10 minutes. I have literally walked back in the door and had my youngest daughter grab my hand, pull me into my bedroom and shut the door. In a flood of tears she told me she was fat.

After a fair amount of coaxing, the story came out. A little friend of hers had pinched her waist and exclaimed "You're already fat!". To make matters worse, today was a "dress up" day. My daughter wore her most favourite and pretty dress, the one that gave her a little confidence in herself.

This blog is not to question wether or not she is fat and its also not to defend her or myself. IT DOESN"T MATTER.
The fact is, she is 8 and the sweetest, kindest, most mild and caring little girl. Not only that but she is very bright. I am so proud of her and in her private moments she is also a very special kind of funny. I love the fact that she reserves this special inner clown just for us, her loved ones, it is a real privilege. My daughter also loves to sing. She wakes up in the morning with a song and a little skip and dance. Everything is a musical to her. I pretty sure in her mind, life is a disney cartoon and I am so grateful for that too.

I am hugging my daughter, equal parts crying for her and fighting the urge to pin a certain little girl up by her big toes next time I see her.

I am facing an annoying and unwanted choice.

Do I reassure her and say "No darling you're not fat, you're a growing girl who is gorgeous"?


Do I say "It doesn't matter. big, small or tall you are a good person with a loving and kind heart"?

I ended up doing a bit of both. Every girl deserves to have a period in their lives where they feel and truely believe they are the most beautiful girl in the world. EVERY GIRL deserves that. I am her MUM and I am so angry that at 8, she has already lost that.

This won't be the last time. I know that. I want her to be strong enough to say "Screw you and your shallow opinion", but I know she's not. She will take that hurt and little bleeding heart and tuck it away, from now on always doubting a little if she really does look pretty.

How dare they?

Bitch Slap by Email

Yesterday, I missed Brianna, my youngest daughter, receiving an award at assembly. The school didn't have my correct phone number, and so I missed the message that it was happening.

Rather than accept the fact that I had stuffed up by forgetting to give the school my new number, I sent an email, a really shitty email.

You know the type I mean, where you don't even take a breath the whole time and you hit send before your brain even knows what the hell is going on. I laid the guilt trip on pretty thick too.

I sent it to the Principal and anyone else I could find in the school address book.

It must have been a doozy of an email because at 10pm last night I get a response from the Principal. Not only is she very sorry, she offered to re-present the certificate at the next assembly.

So, basically, my email had the power to essentially turn back time. Oops ....

At this stage, I had well an truly calmed down. Brianna was super chuffed with herself and as long as her Sister saw her (which she did) she didn't really give a stuff whether I was there or not.

So, I had  to draft and send the "back-peddle, I am very sorry, eating humble pie" email back. I may have also booked a meeting with the Teacher and the Principal, which I will now have to either cancel or explain.... gees, over react much????

Let me be a lesson, breathe before you send people, breathe before you send!

I've jumped.... now what?

I surrounded myself with family and friends all weekend.

During the week, I am keeping myself busy with work.

I am in a funk. I know I am. Normally I would phone Mum.

Mum, who knew what was bothering me before I did. Mum, who would clear the funk just by talking with me on the phone, about nothing special. Who could hit the bullseye of me, without me ever needing to explain.

I am so sad, but it doesn't come out right. I don't cry and then feel better. I fight and hide and run away from it  and then try not to cry and then pretend it didn't happen. If I could call Mum, she would talk about something and the perspective would shift.


I am 35 and I can't clear my own funk. I have never had to. I always knew that if I didn't feel right, If the outside world felt off centre, Mum made it straight again. I don't even know if she knew she did it.

Mum was my litmus test to the world. No idea, no event, no change occurred before it got passed by Mum. I didn't even realise how much I did this.

But NOW I DO. Now I do.

It feels like, for the first time ever, I have jumped without my parachute.

Why your Bucket list should become your Fuck it list.

I have always had a bit of an issue with goal setting. I hated the idea of planning out my days and weeks for years at a time in order to reach certain goals even life (fun) goals, not just career goals.

I understand the concept, I also understand that it is formula for success that works. I get that.
What I have a problem with is the single mindedness of it. That while you are tirelessly striving towards the goal ahead, what opportunities in the left - field have you missed? The best things I have ever done in my life have actually come as the result of little or no planning and had a momentum of there own. I love the fact that these great things then led to the next unexpected great thing.

There is NO WAY I could have planned out the last ten years on paper, even the idea of it. I would never, ever have had the mental forethought to see what I have done or where I have been or what I have had to do. My true capabilities lie in the unknown and untested. I like the idea that in a years time, I'm not sure what I'll be doing.

Ah, but are you thinking, this is why you aren't rich Caroline? This is why you don't have a career?

Possibly, but I love the list of things I have done, failures and success's. I love the diversity of my experience. It won't make me rich, but then again, who knows.

Currently I am enjoying being able to completely enjoy my free time. In my previous incarnation as a real estate agent, I could never feel completely at ease. I always felt "on" or like I should be doing more. It is the sort of industry that if you aren't a million dollar success story, you are failure, with little to no in-between.

I realise a "bucket list" is not necessarily career or goal oriented. It can be about life experiences, what I am trying to explain is that the best life experiences just happen and you can't plan for it or wish for it because you have no idea what it is yet. I believe the saying about being careful what you wish for, because what you think you want versus what you actually get can be very different things.

Let life lead you a little. The more you have to force the situation and bend life to fit with your detailed goal list, the more life will fight back. Have you ever been trying very hard to get somewhere or do something and everything in life is just against you? Stop, stop trying, say fuck it. Something else will happen, I promise and it will be what life was trying to get you to see, over in left field and it might just be the best thing that you ever do.

I am a freezer, what are you?

I'm probably not the one you want standing next to you in an emergency. I'm just telling you, my friends, just so your standards are suitably low if we ever get into trouble.

I am a freezer. I know this because the couple of times where I have felt in serious danger, one time in a close call on the road and a few times where I have had random scary people approach me on the street, adrenaline locks my knees solid and my arms to my side.

I have never been in a situation of life or death, or where my kids are in that kind of danger. I am really, really thankful for this, but it means I have no idea of what I would do (other than freeze into a standing coma.... so helpful).

I know a  special lady. This amazing person knows , that if she needs to, she can whoop complete arse. She has recounted a couple of experiences she has had. She once witnessed a person be hit by a car, and without hesitation, helped and protected the injured person until help arrived. Another time, a bag snatcher, attempted to steal her hand bag, with her left hand she clocked him one in jaw, so hard he nearly bit off his own tongue... and she kept her bag! She also won an altercation between her and a group of youths who were intimidating people in the city. Grown men looked on, scared , while she taught them a lesson.
How cool is it to have that knowledge, that in an emergency, you can whack on your cape and all of a sudden you are a superhero.

Obviously I hope that none of us need to know how we react in danger. I want you all safe and sound. But there is a part of me that wishes I was a super hero, not a freezer.

No wifi and no data makes Caroline go something, something.....

                                  

 CRAZY!!!!





Dave and I have had no wi-fi at home for about a fortnight. Because of this we have chewed through 12GB of data on our phones and devices, I think we absorb it through our pores or something.
Its not only me. The kids love to play minecraft and have a plethora of apps and games. Before you frown with judgyness, at least half of them are educational. But the usage at home is mainly me. I like to facebook (hadn't noticed?), I like to blog (shock horror), I like to Pinterest, I like to research, I like to look for books and images for inspiration, basically I like to have the internet at the click of my fingers. It is no longer just a  convenience, it is now a complete reliance on technology. Like when you have a black out, and you know you have no lights, but every time you change rooms, you flick the switch anyway. 
The internet is now so deeply ingrained in me that to be without it is like a black out. There is only so much crochet and food network this old lady can handle before she wants to google something vitally important like where you can buy Chipotle Chilli in Perth, or search through what is on sale at Ikea. 
I am tech dependent, and I don't care.
 I get it. There is plenty of advice out there about disconnecting, about the dangers of ignoring society and real life and your kids while being in cyber space. You know where I read about them?
Yep, online, lounging back in bed, trying to stop my phone from bouncing off my forehead when I start to fall asleep.
 

Keys... Yes please

We are in the Hippo, our 30ft, 3 bed motorhome, a little dented and war wounded after having carted us from New Jersey to Niagra, through Pennsylvania, Carolina and Greogia  to Florida. We had a slight altercation with a metal safety barrier on a freeway in Jersey and we were all  a little worse for wear. Oh... And if anyone asks, it was a massive grizzly. 

We had been freezing our butts off in wintery Niagra, bored shirtless in the middle of "Camouflage, hunting and people of Walmart" America and we arrive in the Florida keys. It is a breath of salty fresh air and so quiet. There is only one place, one state park, you can stay in with a motor home.  It's in Long Key. It's not Key West, it's not restaurants and hotels, its not key lime pie and drunk girls. It's sandy car parks and beach, a throw back to 1960's motels with shell shaped little villas.  It's heaven. Quiet camp spots, right  on the beach. There is no wifi, no tv. We park up, get out our camp chairs, plonk them in the water and chiiiiiiiiilllllllll. Relax,the closest land mass is Mexico. 
Picture it, 
Warm, quiet beach, with no one really around and only a small threat of being stung and bitten from some small jelly fish. We are from Australia, you've got nothing that can kill us.
We are chilled. For 5 days, we do nothing. 
Wake up, coffee, sit on the beach. In the Hippo for nap when it's hot. After lunch we sit on our chairs in the water and stay there until after sunset. Naked frolicking children and the odd jelly fish and kayaker for entertainment followed by a spectacular sunset. 
The only negative was a thing called a "Noseeum" literally "no see them". A little invisible insect that bites like a Mozzie, But, the bite will keep itching days or weeks after you have been bitten every time you sweat or get hot. Resulting in head to toe redness and itchiness. So. God. Damn. Itchy. There is no repellent or cream that works. But it was worth it. We hadn't planned to visit the Florida keys and we saw nothing of the well known Florida keys, but we had our own private beach and our hippo and our family. Yes, I did sing the Beach Boys song "Kokimo" continuously for 5 days and we got to keep our "Noseeum" souvenirs. 



Oh and seriously, the rented camp chairs where already rusty and covered with seaweed, if anyone asks :)

Coffee, one of the most important things in life

Every morning, Dave brings me a coffee in bed. I love coffee, I'm as caffeine addicted as the next person. Buts its not that, its that he takes the time in the morning to make me one. It makes me feel loved and thats a great way to start the day.

On reflection, having coffee with people is pretty much my hobby, and if it was possible to major in Caffeine based meetings and then be paid as an expert coffee companion, then I would be home and hosed. 

There has been, on rare occasions, times where I have met with so many people in one day for coffee in addition to the "love coffee" I get in the morning that I actually have the shakes come evening. I can't say no, and I won't. The conversations had over coffee are my favourite. Honest, funny, anecdotal and therapeutic. There have been other days, darker days, where the coffee with a person has been the highlight of my day, rather than a casual morning interlude.

I come from a family where, an offer of a coffee is second only to "Hello". Not being able to meet my Mum for a coffee is the biggest gap I currently feel. Now, I visit Dad, and we are bonding over coffee too.

I know its not really the coffee,  Its the connection, the fact that in that time, all else is not important, I am enthralled in the stories and observations of my friends. I want to share and I want to laugh. Coffee is the glue that connects people to my life. Now I just have to find some kind of coffee sponsor  and perhaps switch to decaf!